Hipster Pranksters

Intimate Interpersonal Relationships are never perfectly idyllic, even for the best-matched, most loving couples. Nate and Deb’s IIR came amazingly close, again closer than many of their friends and extended family members with more traditional loving arrangements. Deb surprised him with how well she handled disagreements, especially given her history. A lot of that credit went to him, as a stable role model for discussing points of conflict directly, with minimal emotion. Their innate sarcasms often helped dampen the force of points of contention. Seldom was there any yelling, and when there was, it was momentary. Never was anything thrown. Never was there physical violence.

Ridicule, disdain, and other aspects of their cynical hipster personalities remained strong in their lifestyle. Sometimes these attributes combined with what for others could have been stress points, often in their frequent public pranks.

One such memorable prank revolved around their discovery that Deb consistently farted loudly and prodigiously when she’d eaten raw broccoli.

Buuuurrrrppppttt!

“Jeez, Deb!” Nate exclaimed as he waved his arms around to clear the air.

Bpppptt!

“We should put a jet nozzle on your butt and put you on roller skates, so at least you’d get some motive benefit out of all that gas!”

She exploded into laughter on her way to the bathroom.

Upon her return, she laid out a plan. “This coming Saturday, let’s go to the farmer’s market and get a crapload of broccoli, which I’ll eat for breakfast. Then let’s dress up like hillbillies and go to Wally World!”

“Real hillbillies or the stereotype?”

“Which do you think?” she rhetorically asked.

“The stereotype.”

She gave him an “of course!” look and continued relating all the details. He liked the plan.

Watching his Love chow down the following weekend on a nearly pure raw broccoli breakfast gave Nate pause, “Hope it comes out as gas and not anything more.”

“Let’s go get dressed and practice.”

“Tussle your hair more, like you just got up and didn’t brush” he suggested, helping her mess it up.

It was a sacrifice shaving off most of his soul patch and thin mustache and leaving only messy chin stubble, but they agreed it was worth it for the greater cause. They had trouble not laughing as they blacked out some of each other’s teeth.

“Goddess, you look sexy!” he exclaimed, starting to feel her up.

“Save it for when we’re done, Babe. I can feel that I’m loading up. Let’s do this.”

Deb truly had the People of Wal-Mart look, waddling in wearing a thin over-stretched white t-shirt, no bra, and dark stretch pants showing off every bulge—the ones not directly visible flowing over the top of her waistband and beneath the bottom of her shirt. No undies, upper butt crack visible.

Nate held up his end, with a similar plain white “wife beater” undershirt, a pair of old Dickies navy blue work pants with a few paint stains and more than a few holes, and a vacant expression as he walked behind her, hoping she wouldn’t go off prematurely.

“Let’s go get me some lipstick, Pa” she over-acted as they entered.

“Alright, but don’t ferget ah need some beer and ammo.”

Their un-fully-suppressed smirks and obvious over-acting caught the attention of the entry area security guard, until he became distracted by a loud argument heating up just outside. The elderly greeter looked like he had his doubts too, yet given his lowly position, took no action.

Ppppttttt Pop Pop Pop! said Deb’s butt.

“Geraldine, have you been eatin’ beans agin’?” he asked her in character, both of them hidden on an aisle close to the entrance, seen only by other shoppers on their aisle.

“Aw Pa, ya knows how I love me a big ol’ pot a beans!” she said with a smile, rubbing her belly.

“Well try ta keep ’em in ya ’til yer Poopy Time.”

“Yeahhh, that’ll be soon. Lookin’ forward ta some Mickey D’s. Uh-oh—I feel a big one comin’ on!”

The lone remaining customer quickly left their aisle. She unlatched the wheels on her stealth Heelys and ripped a big, long, loud, stinky one, as Nate gave her a shove. The overall effect as seen from the entry area was a fat hillbilly woman so loaded with gas that it was literally propelling her towards the restrooms. She leaned back slightly, waving her arms as if none of it was under her control.

Several people laughed, others stared, still others held their noses and/or moved away.

Right after giving her the starting shove, Nate ran around to capture the event on video on his phone. That’s all the security guard needed to see—video recordings aren’t allowed in Wal-Marts. He escorted Deb and Nate straight out of the store, each of them laughing uproariously.

“Ms. Dunbar… my office please” customer service manager Arnold Oppenheim said, motioning her towards him.

She dutifully changed her status to “break” and made her way over.

As he’d done far too many times before, he escorted her inside and closed the door. She was surprised to see the H.R. director and Javier the security guard in there with them. {Something serious is going down} she thought as she daintily took her seat.

“I think you know why I called you in here today.”

“I’m… not sure. Please tell me.”

Mr. Oppenheim knew she was playing him, but with H.R. present, he knew he had to stick by the rules. “For the fourth consecutive quarter, you’ve failed to meet your call goals, and haven’t come close to meeting single-contact resolution goals.”

“How is it my fault that I wind up with all the difficult calls?”

“It wouldn’t be, if there was a grain of truth to your claim. Please recall that we actually do monitor calls in this company. I’ve personally reviewed every single tedious call of yours this quarter: rarely were they anything other than obstructive and disrespectful to the customer. You had over 75 opportunities for a swift, final, customer-satisfying resolution, of which you failed to transact all but four, each of which were near a break or end-of-shift. We appreciate your attempts to work for us, when you made them, but we no longer have need for your services.”

Hardcore. This would require playing her ace in the hole. “I need to have a private word with H.R., please.”

Reluctantly, Mr. Oppenheim and Mr. Galena left the former’s office.

Deb proceeded to show the H.R. director incriminating photos and documents, all of which indicated that Mr. Oppenheim had a history of sexually abusing female staff members. She indicated that part of her poor performance and those of some of her co-workers was due to stress related to Mr. Oppenheim’s behavior.

Given Deb’s track record, the H.R. director was wary, but concerned. “I shall be verifying your story with some of the co-workers you’ve cited. If it turns out that you’re not telling the truth, you will forfeit your severance pay.”

“I understand. I look forward to the outcome of your investigation.”

It surprised both the C.S. manager and security guard to see the H.R. director lead Deb back to her station, then meet with them very briefly back in Mr. Oppenheim’s office.

Nora took off her headphones, leaning over and nearly whispering to Deb, “How’d you get out of it this time?”

“Played the gold card… my last one. I may have to start actually working now.”

Nora put the back of her hand against her forehead, melodramatically and softly exclaiming, “Perish the thought!”

They both grunt-laughed and took their next calls.

Many of Deb’s female co-workers were called in to H.R., one by one, over the course of the next day. Two days after what was supposed to have been her firing meeting, much of the floor looked on in shock as security led Arnold Oppenheim out of the building for the last time.

Deb had never celebrated any Solstice, winter or summer. She pelted Nate with question after question regarding what would happen, how to dress, what to do or not do about gifts, and so on.

“They compromised a bit when I was a young child, so I wouldn’t miss out on what my friends experienced for Christmas” he explained, “but they made it clear as I got older that it wasn’t about the gifts, but about the wonders of and respect for our natural world, and gratitude that evolution worked out as well as it did.”

The extended family agreed on only one gift per person, value not to exceed $50.

“I can’t show up with no gift for your father or mother!” Deb insisted, as they packed the car on Solstice Eve.

“Love, I told you what Mom said: she’s got it all covered, and your gift to her is trusting her and going along with her plan once you get there. And believe me, her plan covers a lot of gifts, every which way.”

“So why won’t you tell me?!”

“Because it will spoil her gift to you. Relax… enjoy. Thanks for letting me drive.”

As usual it felt weird being in the passenger side of the front bench seat in her own car, though Nate was a good, safe driver as she herself was, thus Deb was getting used to it. It gave her time to appreciate visually and sensually how her slightly bigger than ever body jiggled and wiggled and bounced with various road imperfections. It felt erotic, and even she consciously thought she looked sexy.

“What’s with all the mirrors?” Deb asked Nate softly upon their arrival.

“You’ll see in the morning” he assured her.

On account of work, they arrived after dinner, so other than unpacking, placing the very few gifts in an odd shrine which Deb couldn’t parse, and sharing greeting hugs and brief conversations, everyone showered and went to bed.

Deb wasn’t used to getting up before sunrise, and didn’t really want to do so this day, other than for the purpose of fitting in with Nate and his family, all of whom were wide awake with dawn’s earliest pre-sunrise light. Sally made her a strong latte, which definitely helped.

“No way!” Deb cried out at sunrise, seeing the actual rising sun mirrored over what she’d called the “shrine”. The effect was that of a sun “Christmas tree”, hovering on a strategically-placed mirror hanging from the ceiling where the top 1/3rd. of a traditional tree would be, above a bright sun-motif felt circle, about the size and shape of a felt tree apron, without the center hole nor an open seam.

“Dad’s into optics” Nate confided to her.

“Hank’s a genius!” she gushed, leading Sally to nod and hug and kiss her husband.

“Don’t be modest, Mom: it was originally your idea and you made the first prototype.”

She blushed as his father nodded vigorously and pointed at her.

They all enjoyed a “sunny” breakfast, with Deb especially watching the real-time, eye-safe, actual reflected image of the sun shining brightly (but not too brightly to look at) over the gifts.

Nate’s family (he and his parents) explained to Deb that they preferred to do the gift-giving around the midpoint of the daylight hours of this shortest daylight day of the year in the northern hemisphere, which on this day would be roughly 12:30 PM, but that they weren’t anal about it and could change it if she wanted. She insisted that she wanted to be part of the family as it was, and do things their way as much as possible.

The remainder of the morning consisted of an ongoing, slow continuation of the “sunny” buffet breakfast with many rest breaks, along with conversation and listening to mid-20th. century instrumental “cool” jazz. Notwithstanding jazz not being one of Deb’s favorite musical genres, she was fascinated discussing the music with two people who lived through the era and loved it, then and now.

Gift-giving seemed almost like a non-event. Nate laughed when he opened up Deb’s gift to him of an extra-large box of exotic swirl-striped textured condoms they’d both liked when they tried one. “Is this for me, or both of us?” he teased.

“You don’t have to give me anything” was her reply.

“Oh, but I want to!” He handed her the small box with her name on the tag, from him.

“Niiiice!” she said as she pulled the orange-brown beret she’d admired a few months back out of its box. “OK, that’s all I need” she declared as she put it on. “Whaddo you all think? Fatter, bustier Monica Lewinski?”

“Prettier” Nate’s mom said.

“Smarter” added his father.

“She wishes she could be you—then or now” Nate finalized.

Nate’s father delivered his gift to him. “Good Vibrations gift certificate!” He turned to Deb, “Guess all we do is have sex, huh Love?”

“We do what we can, Babe” she smiled as she nose-rubbed with him, just before Hank handed her his gift to her. “Look at that: a Good Vibrations gift certificate!” she partially teased.

“Lame, I know” Hank admitted. “Nate, in your case, I figured you now had better things to do than gaming. Deb, I kept thinking about jewelry, but Sally and I agreed that most jewelry and clothing would have to hide in shame, as they would only subtract from your natural beauty.”

“Now I know where you get your flattery from!” she declared as she playfully poked Nate, hoping to distract from her bright red blushing.

“Well, I regret to announce that it’s time for my daily extrusion” Nate’s father in fact announced. “Deb, what this means is that I’ll be occupied in the bathroom for probably a good quarter hour, so there’ll be an unavoidable break in the gift exchange. Eat, drink, be merry, watch our life-giving Sun, and I’ll be back soon as I can” he finished up on his way out of the living room.

“Let’s go!” Sally softly called out, gently pulling Deb to come along with her. Nate jumped into action around the same time, disappearing into the other room.

Deb had no idea what was going on as Sally rushed her down the hall to their meditation room, which to most other families would have been a family room. She had to slap her hand over her mouth to keep quiet, once she saw what was about to go down. Instantly, everything about all that staring at her chest and overall body and the remaining gift-giving made sense!

“Dad, stand here.”

“We’re doing the group picture already?”

“Pretty soon. I need you there to get the framing set up.”

“But that’s the camcorder, not the still camera.”

Before his father could ask any further questions, Nate ran over to the audio system and started his mother’s iPod. Classic belly dancing music burst forth, and seconds later, two very scantily-clad big-busted fat belly dancers swayed and shimmied out to the music, as though they’d actually practiced.

Even knowing what was going to happen, Nate still gaped, seeing all the beautiful succulent jiggly fat flesh of his mother and especially his lover. His father was well beyond gaping… more like shock. And that was before both women danced their way to each side of him and shimmied their bellies and breasts into him.

“Happy Solstice, Hank!” Sally said to him. She moved his hands to her breasts and belly and added, “This is your gift from me”, finalizing with a lip-to-lip kiss, then gently rotating him to face Deb.

“What she said” is what Deb said, before turning towards Nate.

“Don’t look at me! It’s your gift to him!”

She used the same hand placements Sally had.

Hank looked unsure, and also turned towards his son.

“Go ahead, Dad. I don’t think Mom and I want you to keep her, but she’s offered herself as a gift, so it might be rude to refuse.”

His wife had to hold him up as he gasped and nearly fainted, squeezing Deb’s prodigious breast flesh, and to a lesser degree, her belly flesh. Sally guided her husband back down onto the futon couch to recover, then beckoned with her finger for her son to come over, with Deb joining in as soon as she noticed.

Both Deb and Nate’s mother ground into his sides as they’d done with his father.

“Happy Solstice, Babe” Deb purred, in a tone which, along with all the other stimulation, nearly set him off. Her kiss which followed quite nearly did it. She rotated Nate towards his mother.

“You don’t have to, honey. I don’t want your head to explode like when you were 16.”

“May I please?”

“Of course.”

He felt up his own mother—softer and fatter by leaps and bounds than in his youth—and the conflicted memories came rushing back. She gave him a more motherly than loverly kiss, and gently passed him back to Deb, who guided him back down onto the couch along with herself, putting her arm around him.

“The outfit is my gift to Deb” Sally announced, still dancing to the music, “and the intimate belly dancing experience is my gift to you two gentlemen.”

“Thank you, Mom!”

“Unforgettable” Hank muttered, still partially in shock.

Deb decided to get back up and join Sally for another song, before the short playlist ended. Deb’s smile suggested she was really getting into it, and might possibly be wearing this same outfit and dancing in it in the future.

“How did the video come out?” she asked her son.

“Looks good on a quick preview. Here, have a look.”

Sally and Deb gathered around the small camcorder viewfinder, each of them looking as though they’d fall out of their tops any second as they bent over. “I think we look pretty good!” she said to Deb.

“We definitely have the bodies for it, that’s for sure.”

“I’m thinking I’m going to maintain mine with some Solstice lunch. Anyone care to join me?”

Nate restarted the solstice mixed-genre, mixed-era playlist and put the video gear away, as his mother and Deb served up a cheese-heavy pizza which truly looked like the sun with crispy edges, and some freshly-brewed sun tea.

The family had a great day: sharing more of their lives with each other—including some stories from Nate’s parents which he’d never heard before, holding hands in a circle as the sun set, then going to bed on the early side for intimate cuddles. This night there were more kissing sounds than sex sounds from the two bedrooms, though some of each.

“What happened when you were 16?” Deb asked on the drive home, still wearing her belly dancer outfit to see how many passing vehicles noticed.

“Lust burst out of me. I asked my Mom to let me feel her breasts. She did, saying they were no big deal. She was wrong” he grinned, giving her nearby left breast a squeeze before replacing his hand on the steering wheel.

“Is it my imagination, or has she gained since Thanksgiving?”

“Oh yeah, not your imagination. Something’s changed with her. I haven’t explicitly asked, but I’m guessing she liked the feeding more than she could have imagined.”

“Maybe your dad’s coming around to your world view, and she wants to please him.”

“Mom pleases Mom first, then him… as I hope and expect you do, in terms of others.”

“Oh yeah, of course!”

She shook her upper body, smiled, and waved at a passing trucker with a full from-above view.